Iwant to sit next to the window because I want to meditate and I can only do so when I see trees ‘pass by’. I want to sit next to the window because I want to witness fashion and fashion disasters, I want sit here because I want to judge all the passersby .I am deep into judging this lady that has decided to wear all her wardrobe when someone takes the seat next to me. I don’t turn immediately to see whom they are, I only do so when their cologne hits me . Damn! He looks as good as he smells. I baptize him Jim.
I would have baptized him Vin but I am totally over Vin. You all remember the draft message I was supposed to send to him….? Well I erased it and replaced it with a nasty one and sent it right away. It read ‘Hi Vin ,I have realized you’re a cow, a mad malnourished cow with Foot and Mouth disease ’(the only time in life I used my Agriculture knowledge ,I still don’t know where algebra fits). I received a million death threats after that and the one that broke my heart was when he threatened to kidnap my two cats , chop their ears off with a scissors and then set them on fire. I have never been this hurt, no one talks ill or threatens to kill my babies and that is why today I am gonna report his inhumane ass to the authorities.
Jim is in this perfectly fitting grey t-shirt which makes his muscles bulge. He has a light silver chain hanging off his neck. and then the veins on his hands, My Oh My…It is at this time I realize that I ,Mueni Kyalo I live for veins. I am so tempted to say hi, you know like “Hey hi Jim, I see the Lord has given you everything except my number” but I calm my demons down. First impression crap! We are just past Clayworks when he reaches for his back and removes his phone. Me and my binoculars eyes can’t help but snoop. He has a WhatsApp message, it is from babe. I am agitated. Who is babe? How is she? Is she slim and a lil bit taller than me? Can babe walk in heels while I am tripping over everything in my ngoma rubber shoes? Does babe have 3 bundles of human hair on her head ?does she have perfect long fake nails ?I stare at my nails and they all look retarded with chipped cheap black nail polish. I hold them back into a fist, but why do bad things happen to good people.
He opens the message; babe is asking ‘pasta or rice for supper’. He bites his lower lip smiling sheepishly and replies ‘we both know rice is my favorite ’. My mama didn’t raise no fool …I reach for my notebook and write; favorite food, rice. I want to ask him his favorite color, his dream car, his fantasies, his idea of a perfect wedding, where he would love us to spend our honeymoon. You see I have already pictured me and my Jim and our three kids; Milan, our daughter and her twin brothers and Babe will definitely be the dramatic baby mama, the one who is constantly behind bars for being a junkie and in possession of firearms and then my Jim and I will take up her kid and I will constantly remind her not to grow up and be like her mother. Why am I this diabolic?? ??
I am supposed to alight at Muthaiga; the tout comes and pats me on the shoulder
“Madam si ulisema Muthaiga ?”
“Hapana ”I say as I cross my hands and gaze out of the window.
Where Jim goes, his happiness and Queen ….hint….hint ME must go. I feel sorry for Babe but I am having balancing tears thinking about my cats, they might just get their ears chopped; they might just be set on fire . ??
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