Let me ask you something, do you have trouble fitting in? Is your foot always in your mouth? Do you have trouble expressing what you really feel most of the time? Do you end up making a complete and utter fool of yourself every time you are in a public place and feel like an awkward person? Well, that’s me, I am that person. So welcome to my life.
As long as I have known, I have always been weird. The only difference is that now; I am learning to accept it as a rather unique piece of my personality; as a part of me that I don’t need to shun or cut off.
I have always had trouble talking to people. In my mind, everything is perfect because I have the perfect answers, the perfect accent, the perfect response and in the hypothetical situations I always create, I am the star of the show. Moreover, I say the right things at the right time. I do the right things; I respond perfectly to the situation at hand.
However, when the time comes to put all that thought and overthinking into perspective, in real life, everything goes wrong. What I thought and what comes out of my mouth are two totally different things. It’s like in the space between my thought process and my mouth, something goes horribly wrong. I end up embarrassing myself and you would think one time is enough, but no! It happens every single time! I can count on one hand the number of times things have gone exactly the way I had planned them to go.
I tend to overthink a lot and as an active overthinker, I have never taken a day off from analyzing every situation no matter how small. So I live in my head way more than I actually participate in real life. It’s obsessive and it can be toxic but that’s just me and I would never have it any other way. Really, I won’t. You want to know why? Because to me, fantasy is a place that I can go to and be whatever I want to be. In there, inside my head, I am safe and it feels safe. I don’t have to put on a fake front or a façade that really isn’t me. I can be any version I envision myself in and just… breathe!!
Reality can be overwhelming. It usually is to me because I have to struggle to act normally or whatever passes for normalcy standards these days. And it’s tiring always having to put up a brave face when you’re crumbling on the inside. So it’s relieving that I can be in my head (even though I am there way more than what is considered to be healthy). That’s my ‘me space’. My ‘me time’. And it may be abnormal, but it works for me. It helps me cope.
How do you cope? Where do you go when everything becomes too much? Where can you heave a sigh of relief, let everything go and just breathe?
I hope that you find that spark that makes you eager to live just so you can ignite it over and over again. And if you have, I hope you have the courage to hold on to it. To so boldly be You. All weird and clumsy and shy and broken, and be the flawed You. Be imperfectly perfect. You might not know, but the world needs it. The world needs you. You are enough. You just have to accept every part of you, the good and the bad. Not everyone needs to see it. Just You.
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