There was a time when l had friends. They were all close to me. People who gave me an ear, a shoulder to lean on, wiped my tears dry. People who taught me about real friendship. It was not long ago, when all l could think of is how lucky l was – in my most vulnerable moment – to have what most lacked. Solace.
So l depended on their existence in my world. I opened up. I laid down my sorrows unto them. I won’t object. They listened or rather they seemed like they listened. They advised me but l had a mind of my own. So l only listened. Humans. Who better to understand one’s pain but himself. I told myself. But l loved them in my Life. They pumped energy into me. They gave me a reason or two to push on. They let me not question much why l existed. It was fun.
But somewhere in between my minute depression and break – through, l lost the thing l most upheld. Friends. Today l question myself. Am the the bad person? Or is it that they really didn’t understand what l needed? Did l lose the most treasured aspect of my existence? Or did they lose the one thing they needed to preserve? It’s a dilemma l know.
As mentioned, at one point, l had a few. Who l treasured the most. I spilled all my trauma. I wept and they listened. But where are they now.?
They are around. My friends. But they are not with me. We share a laugh or two. But then, every one heads to their own different directions. We chat and call and promise to meet over coffee or lunch. We plan a whole trip that neve gets to be actualized. I know we are all adults now.. Everyone has someone pending responsibilities, bulls building up here and there’s – goals trolling . But, l can’t seem to understand this. I know, l know. But deep down l want this. I need this. I need the coffee to work, the trips to be actualized. Because l need someone to talk to. To lean on. I yearn for what l have lost. And so I feel lost.
I can’t seem to grasp the fact that nobody is entitled to other people’s time. Am not entitled to their time. It pains me, because at some point, my friends were my life…they helped me out everything into perspective. They were my pillars. I never got to tell them this. And l blame myself for it – maybe, just maybe, they would realize and note my cry for attention. They would be present.
So today l write this, because my lack of understanding and discernment has caused me to pour my heart out to my friend. I have said many a things that needed not be said. I have blamed him for many things of which he is not responsible. He has not even defended himself. Just let me be stupid all the way. He may be my friend, but he needed not be held responsible. I may feel bitter, lost and may yearn for the friendship l once had – but l need to respect they times have changed – priorities have changed and l can not always be the priority in people’s lives. I feel stupid..
I need to be able stand up and face my fears. I need to be strong for my self.
I am sorry my friends…
WRITER’S NOTE:
I am a Lupus patient – A survivor.
Being a survivor does not mean l have made it.
On a daily basis, l am challenged. I would like to write about these challenges…
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